new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
