the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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