Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
