it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The air taste purple.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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