how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
