She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
