You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize