I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
