Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
