I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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