I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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