You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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