I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize