need another drink. this is the easiest way
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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