I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
