I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
