Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
FUCK WHALES
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
