Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
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