Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
