Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
