I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
