She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
