8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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