this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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