You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
