I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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