I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
