my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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