if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The feeling are messing with the penis
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
