You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
