Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
