Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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