airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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