Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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