Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
