I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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