this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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