Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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