I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize