i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
