I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Randomize
