Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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