That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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