If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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