i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
