I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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