sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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