you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize