My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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