Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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