I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
