They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
