just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
