life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
