tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
