Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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