new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
