He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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