I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize